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[Buckleian
MSS 1001]
Praise be to al-LAWD, who set the spheres to swinging and
adjusted the stage lights and run up the curtain and cued the opening number!
And praise be to the sweet sacred mouthpiece Muhammad (may He blow forever in
the great cathedral head of Beauty) and for the storytellers gig, whereby
all the cats and kitties and chicks and studs of the world might hip themselves
to wild crazy scenes beyond the range of their five-gates-to-the-soul; and amongst
these is the lick of the One Thousand Swinging Nights (and another Night on
the side), which contain riffs of triple insane wig-stretching gassers like
you aint never before dug in your natural born life!
Back
in what Brother Kiplings old nanny call the High and Far-Off Times, they was a dynasty of king-heads whose rule done covered whollllle stretches of
Asia, and these non-stop studs been on top the heap so long they was all cocksure
of themselves, you know, strutting round coming on all snide and sassy to everybody,
even each other! In fact, they was so sassy and so snide that that become the tag by which they is writ into the scrolls of history the Sassanides,
see what I say? And the two sassiest and snidest of this whole lineage was a pair
of brothers who was such loose souls that their old man had to split his soil
stash north- and south-wise and give each cat a half JUST TO KEEP THEM APART!
Because he KNEW that if he gave just one of them his kingdom theyd be dragging
on each other too much to EVER take care of business! And what kind of bad jazz
do these two studs wail up when they get together? That is what we is here
to dig tonight. So! The older brother was a big strapping stud, and a equestree-yine
head he loved to play the ponies! And he was always getting his noble-heads
together to go out hunting. He get his horsemen and his houndsmen and his falconeers,
stomp out into the mother primeval, come back with a couple elephants and tigers
on his fender, saying, Yeah, I killed these beasts with my bare hands! Aint
I a stud? Aint I a gas? Aint I the baddest cat on the sphere?
And all his buddy-cats jump up and say Yep, you sure are! You great! Sure
you are, sure yare! And they was always sounding him like that so
much that in time that come to be the cats tag: Shahryar, dig? Now the younger
brother was made the Shah of Samarkand (which was a very jumping town in them
days), and when he picked up on how everybody was talking up his brother, he knew
he got to make name for hisself! But he werent no hunting and riding type
stud so what he done is, he put down a off-ramp from the Silk Road (which run
right by Samarkand there) and skim a little trim off the silk trade, see what
I mean, then whipped up a great swinging main-day breeze for all his populance,
with some fine Shiraz juice flowing and great silver trays of citrons and crediddlies
and acravots everywhere and chicks jumping around in jingly little pasties and
hot jazz blowing and the next day every cat in town is saying Werent
that some kind of wild crazy action at the Shahs last night? You
telling me, Charlie! The joint was jumping! That Shah is a man what knows how
to swing! Yes sir, Yassir, that Shah is the man, alright! The Shahs
the man! And thats how the cats tag come to be recorded in the
chronicles as Shah Zaman. And these two studs grooved in their own scene for about
twenty year, until finally Shahryar say Been a long time now since I laid
eyeballs on my little brother-cat! Go put the sound out Samarkand way so hell
know to join me out down here and we can blow a little jazz together and make
the scene. So his vye-zeer loaded up all the camels and split for Samarkand.
And finally he come back with the brother-cat in tow, but let me hip thee, Shah
Zaman looked DRUG! His map was all long and woe-full, like the burdens of the
world was all piled up under his wig driving him right into the ground, and his
turban all skewed to one side and looking like he aint oiled his mustache
in a week. So Shahryar say Whats dragging you, my brother? You look
like someone swiped your stash and kicked your dog! Whats going down here?
But Shah Zaman he say I dont want to talk about it. And Shahryar
say How bout some scarf, you been on the road and hungry and all? No? Well,
I done laid out a big hunting expedition for us for tomorrow you should
make that scene, the sun and fresh air do you good, Jack! But Shah Zaman
say You just go on without me, I be alright here. I got me some heavy sitting
to do. So Shahryar say As you will. Whatever. Later. And he
take off and have himself a time cutting out through the fields and the mountains
and the jungles. And when he come back he seen his brother with a smile on his
puss and chomping on goodies from the royal cupboard. So Shahryar say Thats
more like it! Glad to see you re-charged, so hip me, what was it that was dragging
you so? And what cooled you out while I was gone? Shah Zaman say Ill
tell you what drug me, but you gotta swear not to ask what got me un-drug!
Well, if you say so
Well, I say so. And the cat
say So! And so Shah Zaman splain how gassed he was to get the invite
from his brothers vye-zeer, and how he got all his affairs of state all
straight and up-to-date, then loaded up all his own humpers with gifts and scarf
for the voyage and blew. But he werent no more than half a day from Samarkand
when he hipped himself that he had left behind a present for his brother, so he
tell all his buddy-cats and companion-train he gotta swing back home for something
and hed catch up with them later. So he come back into the city without
no parade or fanfare and go up into his pad. And just as hes passing by
the boudoir, he hear his reason for living, the queen, and she saying Oh,
where me my special lover, the sweetest and grooviest high-balling stud that ever
stomped this side of the Himalyas? Fall in, lover! And Shah Zaman
think Aw, my little kitty is missing me already! But before he can
get another bubble in his wig, a big old cook from the palace kitchen, with his
hands all greasy and sweat from the ovens on his brow, pop up and say Here
I is! And he wrap his big greasy mitts round the queens royal crupper,
and start smooching her on her wing and on her shoulder and on her neck and together
they plunge into the silk. When Shah Zaman dug this scene, brothers and sisters,
he BLEW HIS STACK! See, any fool know you cant blow that sort of jazz round
no Sassanide stud! So he whip out his lean wicked skimmy-tar and tiptoe into the
room and, it say right here in the historical chronicles, chapter two, verse seventeen,
subparagraph c, it say, and I quote, he cut the two into four. Dig
that. Shahryar hear all this and he say Well, eh heh, that is a serious
bring-down there. Good thing there aint no monkey business like that going
down in my pad! And Shah Zaman say Dont be too sure,
brother
What that mean? And how come it is you is all gassed
now after you was so unhung before? I done told you not to sound me
on that! Well, Is asking! Cmon, you can hip your big brother!
Yeah, I can hip you, but when I hip you you aint gonna dig it!
And so Shahryar say And you aint gonna dig it when I knock one end
of you so far up round the other you wont know whether youre sitting
or standing! on account of that the way these Sassanide cats take care of
business, like I splain. So now Shah Zaman he go Wellll, o-o-okay. See,
what it is, dig, is, your old ladys stepping out on you too, bro!
Now its Shahryars turn to jump salty. WHAT!? She never
you lying, boy! Come in here into my own pad and blow all this bad jazz in my
ear! Whats wrong with you? Shah Zaman say You see for yourself,
brother. Tomorrow you knock up another hunting expedition, well make a big
show of swooping this scene, then that night we sneak back and hide behind that
third tapestry on the right, and then you tell me Im lying! This they
now do. Shahryar say to his queen Im gonna be another three nights
out with the boys, dear, and she say Cool, cool! and they get
up all the horses and dogs and hawks and retinue and cinch theirselves up real
tight and blow a little hot jazz as they head out the city gate just to
hip everyone to the fact theyll be gone for a while. Then once theys
about out of sight of the city they change into the plain bedsheets and sneak
back. So here they is, behind the third tapestry on the right in a little crenellated
alcove overlooking the garden, dig? And in come the queen, with wives number two
through eleventeen along with her, and all the handmaid kitties and concubines
and odalisques and the little vapor girl what sing the alto parts, and the queen
snap her fingers and all these fine fly chicks suddenly SHED THEIR THREADS and
start dancing all these insane flips round the garden while every servant stud
in place come pouring through the doors ready to get busy, understand what
I mean! As the scene really start to get into full swing, the queen sounded out
like, Fetch me the ace stud outa all you cats, the biggest, strongest, stompingest,
wailingest high-balling stud we got on staff here, cause I got a itch I want him
to scratch! And this big old stud from work down in the stable with mud
on his boots and every damn thing, this big stud drop down out the tree right
next to the queen and he whisper cool-wise into her bejeweled ear What you
say, baby? Well, this was too much for Shahryar. Hit the cat so hard he
just stomped away with a big twitch in his shoulder and one eye bugging out, saying
I cant believe it. Cant be so. Sassanide cats dont
swing with no dilliance and dalliance (less its them thats doing the
swinging, you dig!) But finally he turn to his brother and go Man, lets
blow this joint. I gotta get outa this place. We need a change of scenery!
Shah Zaman say Ooboppadoo, you with me, Im with you! And so
they cut out down the pike. And they traveled FAR and WIDE, out past Hippistan
and through Zippistan and on into Flippistan at the furthest antipode of the known
sphere. At last they come to a biiiig tree in a coooool meadow by the big pool,
and they sit down there and light up. But before it even get passed round, up
come a dark, terrible, billowing, wailing typhoon out of the sea, and in the center
of it spins this giant waterspout that reach all the way up to the firmament!
And its heading right at them! And Shahryar say What is this mess
now?! And Shah Zaman say I dont know, but Ill be up this
here tree if you wanna ask me anything else! And Shahryar say Im
hip! Move over! And so this sky-sweeping mother tornado reach the shore
and
open up. Out step a GIGANTICAL fierce-looking afrite carrying a stash-box on his head covered with gold and gemstones. (Allow me to
splain the vernacular: an afrite is a big mean ugly kind of a genie, an
Arabical spook, dig, and they calls it that on account of, its soooo scaaaarrry-looking,
thats what you gets when you sees one a fright, dig?) So this cloud-bending afrite, he put down his stash-box and he YAAAAAAWWWNNNN and he STRRRRETCH
and little typhoons go spinning away out cross the seven seas, and this afrite lay his huge frame down along about five miles of coast and lean his pod up gainst
the very tree that these two brothers is hiding in. So they are flipping.
Theyre flipping so hard theyre trying not to flip right out the tree
into the chompers of this mad mother afrite cat. And this giant cat flip
the lid on his jeweled box and say SING IT SWEET, BABY. And
out from the gold case come dancing a cute little dang-dang girl, shaking
her little jingly-jangles doing a Persian Slinky-slank with a Ring-A-Ding on the
side, and she sing Hominy pudmee yum wawa bow-wow! Soon the cat say EH HEH-HEH! THAT PURTY! THAT SURE IS SOME NICE JAZZ THERE
YEAH
UNGH-HUH!
UNGHH
HUHHH
UNNGHH
HUHHHHH
Snoring, dig? And every time he breathe in UNGH he suck all the clouds out the sky, and when he breathe out HUNGHHHHH! he blow em all back where they was. And the little dang-dang girl,
she put the burn up into the tree where the two brothers is, and she say Hey
there, boys! Why dont you two studs come down here and ring my bells
?
They go She talking to you? I aint never laid eyes on
the chick, she must be talking to you! So the girl say Both you cats
get down here right now, or I will wake up this afrite and he will knock
you clean into the middle of next century! and the brothers say Well,
I guess we gots to go. You first. I aint going first! You go
first! Oh, no. After you, my brother, cause you the man. Im
not making move one! Sure you are! But finally they swing down
and start ringing the little kittys dang-dang bells, and they go
round the world and off the map doing these wild flips and high sensual acrobatics
and Shanghai soo-prize and Kamasutra titty-twist with the connilinguistical flip-flap
for the encore just to keep this mad chick from getting bugged and waking the afrite on em! At the end of this crazy scene, the chick lean back and she
say Oh, that was okay I guess
Now I gets to claim a prize from you
two studs to top it all off! Lemme see them there signet rings you is flashing
So the brothers lay their rings on this chick and she whip out a string that got
about seventy-hundred and eleventy-seven rings already dangling on it! And she
picks up on the two brothers doing the double-take at this string and she says
Yeah, I got all these offa uptight octagonheads like yourselves. And all
this just on one trip I got another twelfteen piano crates full back at
the pad! Sure a lot of squares in the world, aint there? And she laugh
right in the face of the two Sassanide studs, she is so gassed, and they do the
shuffle off to Baghdad, saying Aint that a bad scene? Big gigantical
cat like that with a little old kitty stepping out on him, and he dont even
know! Womens is bad! You said it, brother! So they
go back to their respective pads, and the very first thing Shahryar do is round
up all the cats and kitties that made the scene in the garden and lop off their
wigs, bap-bap-bap. Then he get him a new bride, a sweet little young maiden-kitty,
get to grooving on her all night long, and when the early bright come, he lop
off her wig. That night he do the same thing and in the morning vrrrt!
off her wig come too. He done this EVERY NIGHT FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS,
and by that time every cat in the kingdom is flipping! Hes depleting the
land of all the sweet young beautiful chicks, and any cat what got a daughter
is saying Get down in the cellar, Ayisha, I think I hear the kings
warrior-studs coming down the pike here! cause they all seen the big pile
of wigs out back the palace getting bigger and bigger. So finally it come down
to the old vye-zeer; hes been swooping all over the kingdom scouting out
maidens for the king, and after all this time hes hip to the fact that there
aint hardly no more chicks left they all cut out and are holed up
in The Big Garden! So he say They aint no more kitties left in the
kingdom, O sweet swinging non-stop light of the land! Shahryar say Aint
you got a dimple or two yourself, old man? How bout them? Weekend coming. Hook
me up! So this vye-zeer cat come home with a HEAVY HEAD! He is in a main-day
bind! And his daughters their names Skehairyzady and Dunyazady, I dont
know why they come in and say Whats up, daddy? and the
vye-zeer hip em to the whole horrible state of affairs of state. I aint
giving my girls up to that square king! he say. Now this Skehairyzady, she
was a real cool, hip, groovy chick from in front; she done been to the community
college and dug all the arts and sciences and humanities and all them book kicks,
so she were a very sharp and chilly young kitty indeed. She say Ill
do it! And the vye-zeer say GIRL! You dont know what you saying!
That king gonna take you out, but then he gonna take you out, you hear
what I say? Dont you forget that ditty bout the Bull and the Ass, now!
And he play her a little lick go something like this: This farmer, hes hip
to the semantic of the animal world, dig? And one day hes in the stable
and overhears the big Bull saying OOOHH! I am beat, flapped, spent and ex-pent!
That is a main-day drag pulling that plow and pushing that big stone round the
mill! I gots blisters on the bunions on my callouses over here! And the
Ass tell him Do like I say. Dont eat none of that scarf hes
giving you, and next time he fit you with the harness you stagger round and fall
over like you sick, and maybe he cut you a day off. So the Bull do this,
and since the farmer is hip to whats shaking, he take out the Ass and work
that Ass right into the ground! And when he get back into the stable the Ass
say OOOHH! My back is killing me! You got to take this gig back, Mister
Bull, cause I cannot hack it! And the Bull say No, thats cool,
that little free dues scam you hipped me to is working out real groovy, so I likes
things the way they is now. And so the Ass say Well, I heard that
farmer today say If that Bull dont get up and tow the line soon, I
guess I gots to sell him off to the stockyards! So the Bull sit on
this all night, and next morning when the farmer come into the stable that Bull
is pushing at the gate saying Lemme at it! We got us some work to do today!
Where that plow? Strap me in good, cause I am gassed just to have a wheel to turn!
I love my gig! and when the gate open the Bull jump out and prance round
the yard and even do a Chinese backflip just to show how gassed he is. Now the
farmers been hip to all this jazz from in front, like I splain, so when
he seen the Bull carrying on like some freaky puppy-dog, well, he like to double
over, he laughed so hard. And his wife say What you laughing at? Now,
when al-Lawd first blessed this farmer with the gift of the animal semantic, it
was on the condition that if he ever hipped anyone to it, then THATS IT!
Thats his final act, dig? So he say to his old lady Id love
to hip you, dearest, but I just cant, you dig? But she say I
dont dig nothing. You got a bubble stashed in your wig, I wanna know what
it is! But if I hip you, Is a dead man! I dont
care bout that, just tell me! Well now, this here farmer is so hung up on
his old lady, he say Okay, okay, dearest. Just give me some time to get
all my licks straight and up-to-date and put in a call to the undertaker and then
Ill hip you to this action. So the farmer start making out his will
and getting all his payoffs paid off and soon every cat and kitty in the province
is saying You hip to whats going down at the old farm yonder?
Yeah, cat putting hisself on the edge of he razors flip just sos
he can hip his old lady to the punchline of some joke kick! Aint that a
freakish scene? and on the day of the big hipping a whole mess of folks
show up to see how it gonna go down. The farmer say to his old lady You
aint gonna change your mind? and she say I aint!
so he say Lemme go take a leak first and then I be ready. Now, while
hes walking to the outhouse he just happen to pass the chicken coop and
see the rooster flapping his wings and puffing up his wig and jumping from on
back of one hen to another and just having a balling time. And the farm-dog swoop
by and say Man, how come you carrying on like that when our master is fitting
himself for a pair of wings on account of his wife? And the rooster say
Dont bug me with that noise I gotta get my own kicks, dig?
And sides, if that farmer is really fixing to scratch himself from the big race
for his old lady, then I say he is a first-class king-size CHUMP! Looky here,
I got me fifty wives and Is getting to be a ripe old age here cause whenever
any one of them give me any lip I just go WHAP! Smack her down so hard she dont
never even think bout mouthing off again! The farmer picked up on
this and went to the outhouse with some wheels spinning under his wig. So afterwards,
he cut himself a good strong mulberry switch woooPASH! and
say Okay dearest! Cmon in, I am ready to straighten you but good!
And she say Took you long enough! and she go into the big tent where
he is waiting for her, and all the cats on the scene gather round the tent with
their lobes straining to hear what go down, and they hear woooPASH! What
you knocking me like that for? woooPASH! Stop it! woooPASH! I didnt mean nothing by it! woooPASH! Oh
Lawd! He gonna kill me! woooPASH! Okay! Okay! Is sorry! I dont
need to be hip to every little thing you stash in your wig! And the farmer
say Thats right, you dont! And they lives happily ever
after, the end. Thats the lick this vye-zeer is laying on his own daughter,
dig? Cause thats the way things was under these Sassanide cats, like I splain.
They is so drug with the ladies that they dont even care what the
neighbors say! But Skehairyzady, she say I dont care. This square
king done brang down a bug-sized bring-down for all my sister-kitties, so Im
taking this gig to see if I can straighten him out! See, she was a very cool, solid chick indeed! (That might be why she were called Skehairyzady, come
to think of it. These Sassanide cats been bad-rapping the kitties so much, see,
that any woman who knew anything most of all her mind, dig
was to them just too damn SCA-ARY!) So the vye-zeer see he cant derail
her, so he say Well, its your wig, I spose
Sure is gonna be
quiet round here without you, girl. And that night he presented her to Shahryar,
and shes all done up with the war-paint on her face and her hair in a big
beehive doo and wearing a brand new embroidered jullaboo with squigglies
round the collar and cuffs and a flapper fringe on the hemline, and she say I
surely nough is enchanted to be with you, your most royal swinging majesty.
And so they retire to the bed of high sensuous consequence. And Skehairyzady rocked
him so hard that it aint but round midnight before Shahryar is all flapped
and wrung out like a used-up tube of toothpaste, understand what I mean? And Skehairyzady
is cooling her carpet-burns and she say, real innocent and cool-wise, You
know, I sure would groove on seeing my little sister Dunyazady one last time before
I make my big exit
And Shahryar think I could groove on having
another chick here to make the scene, once I get me a nap and bowl of Wheaties
or something
! So he holler for someone to go fetch the little sister.
And when Dunyazady show up, she say I sure could dig it if you was to tell
me a bedtime story like you does, big sister! Skehairyzady turn to Shahryar
and go That okay with you? and Shahryar go Okay. So Skehairyzady
commence to rap about the Merchant and the Genie, about how this merchant was
crossing the desert, stop for a soda, and this big genie come up and say Glad
you enjoying that there soda, Pops, cause when you flicked the bottlecap away
you hit my son in the head and knocked him out for good! Now I guess I
gots to do you in! and merchant go Is awful sorry, I
didnt know, it was an accident! and all that jazz, and while hes
blowing, up come three sheiks not like Valentino, but old cats, dig?
each with a different sort of animal on a leash, and each sheik got a story about
how they come to be crossing the desert with these animals, and they get about
halfway through hipping the genie and the merchant to their deal when Skehairyzady
look out the window and say Well, here come the sun, so I guess that means
its time for me to cut out
Well, Shahryar was hooked. He digging
the lick she was putting down so hard that he say Aw, dont worry bout
that just yet. I wanna hear how this tale come out! Ill catch you kitties
tomorrow night! So the next night Skehairyzady finish up the lick bout the
Merchant and the Genie and say But that riff aint nothing compared
to the lick bout the Fisherman and the Genie! And Shahryar say Oh?
How do that go? and so Skehairyzady get about halfway through that lick
when dawn break, and Shahryar is still digging it so he say Same time tomorrow
night? and she say Cool, cool, Daddy-o! Now, youre hip
to what sort of scam she is onto here, right? Every night she keep LP talking,
spinning her yarns out longer and longer, and ranging it sos the cliffhanger
come right about daybreak when Shahryar is perched on the edge of his cushion
saying What happen next? What happen next? And, boy, can she ever
wail out a tale! Shes laying down all these EPIC-sized riffs where one cat
is laying down his story and then a cat who show up in that story say You
know, funny thing happen to me the other day
and he start blowing
his jazz and some chick in his number, she got some jazz to blow too, so you got
these riffs weaving in out of each other like a drunk driver on the San Berdoo
freeway, riffs inside of riffs inside of riffs, dig what I say, like that there
double-telescoping-triple-flashback that Max Schulman hipped us to. Yeah! But
Skehairyzady, shes keeping it all straight so when Shahryar say What
about that cat that left off three tales back? she say Dont
worry, Im getting back to him, Jack! Here is where the book-kicks
pay off, see, cause Skehairyzady is hip to all the fat books and shes coming
out with all sorts of tales, like Ali Baba and the Forty Bankers, where Ali Baba
come up to the bank vault door and says Open up! and the bank vault
door say Says who? and Ali Baba say Open, says me! and
he makes the scene with the long green, or Aladdin polishing up the lamp and out
come the genie saying Your wish is my command, sahib! so he start
wishing up a leaping circus, or the Historic Fart of Abu Hassan you remember!
or swipe a couple licks from Aesop and Gilgamesh and Georgie Jessel, or
even goof on Homer so that Odysseus turn out to be a Persian cat name of Sindbad
the Sailor-man whos trying to hook up with his lady fair but every time
he get close this big bully stud pop up and try to fight him off until Sindbad
suck a little green leaf into his pipe and come on all strong oh wait,
thats a different lick but anyway this Sindbad cat go out
on the high seas and always run into far out action, not once, not twice, not
thrice, but SEVEN TIMES, brothers and sisters, which show that the cat probably
didnt know where he was going in the first place! Well, Skehairyzady keep
wailing these high notes for get this ONE THOUSAND NIGHTS straight!
Then she blow ONE MORE just to be on the safe side, you dig. Now, by the
end of this time Shahryar has forgot all about removing her wig, and he says After
all this time, I guess we might as well make the legal move, what you say? (Which is only right, seeing as how she done bore him three sons in the meanwhile!)
AND it turn out that Shah Zaman got bulging legal eyes for Dunyazady, in case
you was wondering. So they whomp up the biggest, grandest, wailingest, stompingest,
SWINGINGEST, non-stop double-headed triple-clutching Mardi Gras of a hitching
party that anyone ever saw in their born lives! And now that Shahryars
wig is cooled, he turn out to be a pretty good king, too, if you can believe that.
And they swing together in love and beauty for many years, until finally al-Lawd
see fit to snatch Skehairyzady off to The Big Garden in her sleep, real peaceful
like, dig, and Shahryar crack open the royal coffers and lay out the bread to
knock up over her sod pad a great and glorious heap of a mausoleum, made of Eye-talian
marble covered with gold and rhinestones and lapis larue I mean, this joint
make the Taj Mahal look like a old beat-up broken-down chicken coop that was the
only thing left standing after the Great Monsoon of al-Lagadoon! And over Skehairyzadys
tomb he hung a big brass plaque inlaid with silver letters and on it it say this: Here lie the finest chick that ever graced this here crazy sphere. She good-looking,
she smart, and she opened the iron door of my heart to the sweet swinging sounds
of love, and all she had to do to do it was just give me a little tale every night. (Heh-heh. See what I say?)
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