The Hip Eine

Milords, Miladies!

A hipsemantic version of the life of one of the greatest men of all times. And they called this cat "The Mighty Hip Einie - Sphere Gasser."

Now here was a cat who carried so much wiggage he was gigless. He could not find a wheel to turn. He sounded all the hubcaps within reach, but nathan shakin'. He could not connect. Hungry, his threads thin, it was a drag.

All these nowhere cats not pickin' up.

And comin' right after a big bug-size bring-down from the Nazis put on him.

You see this cat was born at Ulm, in Germany, March 14, 1879.

Now, not diggin' their lick, you see, of these double square kicks these cats are puttin' down, he saved his beans, and bind after bind, finally, he swung with a Swiss passport, swooped the scene, and lit in the land of the cool, to prove and groove with the Alpine-heads.

So now he's made it. It's a drag. And no gig.

Well, he messed around a little bit lookin' to pick up on a job here and there and so on and so forth. And he finally got on a light boot-repair kick. That's the only thing this cat could get to do. It was so light that he was about to dig some boot soup, when a buddy cat hipped him they needed a boy at Bern in the Idea Factory.

So The Hip Einie took off to sound the man for the gig.

Now, it took him fourteen hours to convince this cat that he could tell a good idea from a bad one, you see what I mean. And he still would have missed if the cat hadn't heard that he was sufferin' from the gold shorts in front. So he really dug the gig on a pity kick.

He was such a sweet groovey cat, Earth angel, you see what I mean, that this short green kick cooled his livin' strain.

Now ready, really ready, he looked around and finally zeroed in on a real fly chick, made legal move with her, rang the chapel bells of joy, and out, come swung out of this beauty spin, came two little Mars-heads, a boy and a girl, you see.

His pad now jumped with the sweet swingin' light of life.

He delegated his routine job dues to the third frame of his subconscious mind and proceeded to lay back into the longest goof in the history of that far out wig stretch.

He became the king of all space heads.

He goofed through the zonesphere, and the vautisphere, and the routesphere, and the hippisphere, and the flippisphere, and the zippisphere, and the gonesphere, and the way-gonesphere.

He was way out there!

And as a matter of fact he was gone so long, and was so far out, that when he returned and cooled and dug what he brought back wid him, he flipped!

Shook the poor cat so bad he couldn't leave his pad for two weeks. Dig dat scene. And sat in his sack every lick of the time.

It was not only too much for him, it was too much for the sphere. This we will dig later.

Well, bein' a tough cat in front he was soon on his feet. He sucked up a little juice, you see what I mean, took his pen in hand and got it down on paper.

Now, this here paper that I'm goin' to hip you about caused Max Born, a top flight physicist cat, sometime later to state, "The greatest gasser of all sphere head book kick is, let me hip you, Volume Seventeen, Series Four, Yearbook of Physics, One Nineteen Hundred and jumpin' Five!"

When this book hit the streets it hit the space-head cats hard.

No cat mentioned it for four years, and no cat moved for five years more.

Here and there a cat would dig it sayin' "Hello," but it was so far out he couldn't dig anyone in his cat circle to cut it up with, so the cat would be hung, dig?

Finally this great lick started to spark the space head grape vine, and all the space cats were tunin' in.

One cat say, "Yeah, I shuffled two hundred and twenty-two times, come out the same every time, so it seem like to me that the lick is so." Other cat say, "I'm wit you. Where do we go to surrender?"

The grape vine blew so hard they pressed a better gig on The Hip Einie. A top hubcap and summit head of The University of Zurich, a real cool cat, Freddy Adler, stepped aside to make it possible with this remark: he say, "If we can pick up this here King of Space Heads, the great Hip Einie, let's make the scene at once. Let this great cat take the chair. I'll make the stool." Ya see what I mean? He was a real hip cat.

Now, ya see what I mean, what caused all this furor was the fact that The Hip Einie wailed it down in the space head cats' paper, he said in the space head cats' paper, he say to scientific journal heads, he say, "You go on out to latitude seven seven seven, and longitude four four four, and get out there at the unveilin' of the big heater, and," he say, "you put some necklaces around that ship and hold it real cool, anchors, anchors around like necklaces, see what I mean, and hold it real cool, and get out every brownie and camera that you can grab, and lay your hands upon, and," he say, "at the unveilin' of the heater start snap, snap, snap, snappin' all dem pictures." And, he say, "If you snap it all the way through to the finale of that unveilin' and switch it downstairs and put it in the treatment," he say, "you gonna find on one of them pictures, in a far-off, crazy, gone, uncouth-headed canyon, in a way-out valley the Great, Mother Cosmo Head." That's what he printed in the paper.

That's what flipped everybody. Everybody flippin' all over the place. Cats talkin' sayin' it couldn't be so, couldn't be this, couldn't be that.

Finally two English space heads picked up on it.

Said, "Man, what do you think about that Hip Einie?"

Say, "I believe the cat's with it all the way. He look like he got it down hip pretty groovey. Look like he got the lick straight and up to date." He say, "Let's you and me make a little history here. We'll tote this here news into the treasury cat and sound him for a little expedition money and put this scene down and make a little history."

Cat said, "Dat's right."

So they stomped in to see the treasury cat.

Said, "Whatcha say, Mr. T?"

He say, "It's cool in here. It's cool, nice 'n cool in the vaults."

He say, "Yeah, it is pretty groovey." He say, "What's on your mind, boys?"

He say, "Well, you ever hear about a cat called The Hip Einie?"

He say, "Oh, The Hip Einie. No, I never hear of that cat." Say, "What's the cat blow?"

He say, "Well, he's a scientific space head cat, you see what I mean? And he blew a little item in the space head journal that say that if we go out to latitude seven seven seven and longitude four forty-four, and we put the necklace around the boat with the anchors so, and anchor it real cool and crazy, and get out all them brownie cameras, ya see, and we start snap, snap, snap, snap, snappin' at the unveilin' of the heater, he done say dat in a far-off corner, in an uncouth-headed canyon, away up there in the vanse will lay the great swingin' Mother Cosmo Head."

The cat say, "That's good for the war!"

He say, "That's what I say. That's why we're here, ya know what I mean. We figured you'd dig the lick, you see. Of course dat's good for the war."

Say, "I reckon I'm glad you boys come over." He say, "Er, uh, what's this little gig gonna cost, like expense like?"

Space-head cat say, "Oh, it ain't gonna cost nothin', like some little old, uh, two million clams."

“Man, wadda you mean stompin' in here like a madman, jumpin' up and down, talkin' clean out o' your skull, tyin' this thing, this about two million clams. Is you crazy?!? Some cat sit down and dream up a big score dat somebody saw... Did da cat see it?"

He say, "No."

He say, "Well, dat's what I'm tryin' to 'splain to ya. Cat talking' completely crazy. Outta your mind." Say, "What's the cat's real name?"

"Albert Einstein."

He said, "Just what I thought! Some far-out Levantine cat gonna get you way out on that long, thin limb, and, mmppp, snap it off."

But ya see what happened, the space head and The Hip Einie's lick was too strong for Mr. T. So Mr. T come up with the two million clams.

So here they swing on out there.

They get out to latitude seven seven seven and longtude four forty-four. And they got the expedition all tight and all cool. And they put the anchors around the boat like a necklace, see what I mean, hold it real cool and steady, and boom, here come the unveiling of the big heater.

And these cats are snap, snap, snappin' pictures of this all over the place. Snappin' it through the legs. They're snappin' it upside down. They're snappin' it this way. They're snappin' it that way. They're snappin' it. They're double snappin' it. They're snappin' it every way there is to snap it. And you see, bbrrrttt, it was over.


Downstairs they go, to develop these negatives, see what I mean, and see what the picture was.

So they got four thousand four hundred and twenty-four pictures.

And they come down and this cat say, "Did ya see it yet?"

"No, I ain't seen it yet but we sure got some crazy jazz here. Picked up on some wild pictures. Pretty wild pictures!"

And they go to two thousand two hundred and twenty-seven.

"Did ya see it yet?"

Say, "No, I didn't dig it yet. No, I haven't seen it, but I know it's here someplace."

He say, "That's what I believe, too."

And they get to thirty two hundred and twenty-seven pictures and say, "Man, it's a long time comin'!"

But he say, "Yeah, I know that , but there are sure some crazy shots. Let's keep goin'!"

So they get to four thousand one hundred and nine, you see what I mean, one of the cats say, they say, "Well, it look like The Hip Einie put us on a bad riff here." Say, "Maybe the cat, you know, made a little miscalculation." He say, "Well, we gone this far, might as well go the rest."

And on the last picture, the last picture they done developed, in a great, big, crazy, far-off corner in an uncouth-headed chasm was the longest neon tube these cats ever dug in their life.

The Great Cosmo-Headed Swinger!

And that's how it jumped.

But like The Hip Einie say, "Let's play it cool, and let's play it sweet, and let's keep thinkin' right, and we gonna be with it a long time."

From Lord Buckley: a most immaculately hip aristocrat, Straight Records, (compiled by Frank Zappa), transcribed by EARL RIVERS